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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Every day I'm shufflin...

Between last Friday and today, there hasn't been too much to update pregnancy wise. I've still freaked out about movement, and I think I've eaten 3 boxes of Nerds over the course of the weekend. Christmas was great...I ate so many sweets that the baby was doing jumping jacks. Of course, when I went back to normal eating, movement was minimal. I think I sigh a relief sigh whenever I DO feel movement.
I was actually feeling relatively okay about everything for awhile. Dr. D was great and monitored the varix for 5 minutes to ensure that the flow was steady. It was. I asked if they thought it was okay with the holidays that I'd go 4 days without an ultrasound for 2 weeks in a row. The answer was: No one can really answer that question.

Hope is not something a doctor can give you.

So yesterday I had my first appointment with my OBGYN since the varix was discovered. The first parts of the appointment were great. I've only gained 10 lbs (and I'm 27 weeks tomorrow), the heartbeat was steady and good. But when talking with my doctor (who is awesome, make no mistake of that), I wasn't really given any answers. I'm always told "It's a day by day thing." To me, that means that they aren't sure of the baby's survival rate. That makes me feel like I could just go crazy and I hate that feeling. I want them to say "Oh, I'm sure everything will be okay." Which brings me to my earlier point: Hope is not something a doctor can give you. My OBGYN once again explained the varix and turbulence problem, and how the monitoring ensures that the turbulence does not create a clot. The word "clot" makes my skin crawl. I worry so much...but I pray that I really don't have a reason to worry. The clot theory is just that...a theory. But it's a theory that scares me.

I asked what the plan of action was...and was guessed it. It's a day by day thing. I'm going to be induced between 34 and 37 weeks. 34 weeks means several weeks in the NICU, and 37 weeks is full term. If the varix grows, they are going to push for 34. I'm SO tired of the "I don't know's" and "if's". They get old. I want reassurance. Hope. I want this baby to be healthy when they are born. I want them to survive and thrive.

I have an ultrasound today at 2:30. I'm praying my favorite sonographer will be there to do the ultrasound, and that whatever doctor is there is compassionate and doesn't see a problem. The tension that courses through me gets tiring.

I'm sure I'll have more to update later. I'm going to have a hiatus in ultrasounds again due to the New Year holiday. So, I have an ultrasound today and Friday, but then I won't have one again til Tuesday and Thursday. My OBGYN said I can go to the hospital for a BPP (biophysical profile) on the weekend if they see it as something that's necessary. Going to the hospital without an appointment always feels extreme.

More prayers are needed for stability in the varix (no growth and constant flow). And for my sanity.


  1. I love your updates! And you're right; hope is not something a doctor can give you, unfortunately. You, Scott, and Baby H are in our prayers! Love you guys!