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Friday, December 16, 2011

Released on good behavior...

So here's the full story.

This morning I went in for an ultrasound, but the doctor wasn't there. So, at 11 I got called down for another one. I went, and was told by Dr. D that the baby had good blood flow, that the varix was only 1 cm 1mm (not 1 cm 4 mm), and that she didn't see a reason as to why I should be in the hospital. She wanted me to have 3 time a week ultrasounds, and we'll keep an eye on it from there.

What??!!! Stop. What's going on.

Okay. There are 4 doctors in this Center who are: Dr. N, Dr. B, Dr. M, and Dr. D. I won't put their real names on there 'cause there's just no reason to create a huge stir.

So. Dr.N had seen a few cases of the varix where there were really bad outcomes. He told me that a clot in the cord could happen when I was in the shower and my baby would die. Just like that. He admitted me to the hospital. Granted, he's nice and knowledgeable and obviously knows more than me. In his opinion, turbulence in the vein is a sign of imminent trouble. He said that if it were his wife, he'd do this action. He consulted with Dr. B, who is apathetic towards it all and just says: who knows what will happen. Not enough research. So I was admitted.

My OBGYN scratched his head and said: who am I to argue with a specialist? So, I was admitted.

I cried and did not fully understand. The first day I waited to find out my baby wasn't going to make it or was going to be delivered any second.

The second day, I went to the Center and was looked after by Dr. D. She had seen several cases of the varix and had never seen fetal demise. Hospitalization was a huge drastic step in her opinion. She measured the varix and looked at the flow and said: but you have to expect turbulence. That's the way it works.

No worries. I went sent back to my room. I cried and said: why am I here??? Is this baby going to be okay???

The third day, today, Dr. D saw me again and said...well, I already told you that in the beginning.

So now I start to panic. Am I going to go back Monday to be readmitted??? Who will I see? Dr. B who shrugs his shoulders? Dr. N who sees it as imminent death? Dr. D who says its fine? or Dr M who I've only seen once. What will they say? What will they see?

I hear the words of Dr. N and I'm scared. Leaving the hospital, where I wasn't happy, removed a huge safety net. No heart rate anymore. No daily ultrasounds. Will the baby survive? Will they catch a problem on time? Will there even be a problem? The fear becomes overwhelming.

So I'm home. I'm treasuring each kick I get and praying for more. I'm praying for more growth and no sign of clotting. I'm praying for a consensus from the Center doctors, because they are messing with my head.

I'm glad I get to go to Scott's graduation tomorrow. I'm glad I have Christmas on Sunday with my family. I'm glad to be with the cats and back in my home.

But I'm more scared than ever now, just with less misery. I'll keep blogging about this. I like it.

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