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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Exhale...hold breath...exhale...hold breath...

And repeat. This is how I feel lately. Every time I go for an ultrasound, I have this fear that they'll say "the turbulence is picking up. It's time," or "the varix is just too large." The other day, the sonogram looked awfully turbulent, and the varix was measuring 1.77 again. I sat there in the room thinking: I have laundry that needs to be put away, I haven't packed, the cats don't have can I do this??

When Dr. N came back in, he said everything looked okay. I didn't realize that I'd been holding my breath, but I did once I exhaled.

I realized also that I've been worrying about...everything. If there is trouble to be borrowed, I have borrowed it. I worry about the baby having mental issues, health issues, body issues. I'm constantly praying for this child to just be healthy and free of problems. I'm wearing myself out.

People keep asking if I'm excited. How could I be? This has been the scariest blind walk I've ever taken. I have lost all control of my seemingly controlled life. I mean, don't get me wrong...I want to meet this baby. But excited? Try apprehensive!

Anyway, I'm 36 weeks today. My belly is still pretty small, but there's a pretty big baby in there. Maybe it's cause the baby is breech? No idea. The baby gets hiccups about 2 or 3 times a day. It feels like a distant drumbeat from within. I get some movement, but not a lot. There is a large bump next to my belly's the baby's head. That kind of freaks me out a little. :)

  • Baby's getting closer and closer to being able to breathe on their own.
  • The skin is getting smooth and soft and the gums are rigid.
  • The liver and kidneys are in working order.
  • Circulation and immune systems are basically good to go, too.

So, I'm still holding my breath. Just waiting for them to say: It's time.

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